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4/22/21

i'm in my thirties. i go on a walk in santa cruz. a group of white boys yell out, CHINK. 

it's happening again. everyone in the meeting appears to be white except me.

slanty eyes joke.

a man comes up to me and says loudly, NI HAO WHERE ARE YOU FROM. this has happened to me about every few month since I was a kid, and continues to occur during the pandemic.

WHERE ARE YOU FROM.

i'm in a conversation with a client in between meetings. we could talk about anything. they tell me, I LOVE SUSHI. I HAD A GREAT TIME WHEN I WAS IN JAPAN. we could have talked about anything.

i'm in my thirties. a stranger asks, WHERE DO YOU GO TO SCHOOL?

i'm 13. i go on a walk around my middle school after class is out. a truck drives by with two men. one whistles at me and yells out, NI HAO SEXY.

it's happening again. the only people talking at the meeting are white men. everyone else is muted.

my coworker tells me her husband is having trouble finding a job because he's a white man. he's having a really hard time right now because the universities don't want white men. 

i say I'm from Los Angeles. they say, BUT WHERE ARE YOU REALLY FROM.

i'm at a restaurant called Charlie Hong Kong. everyone is white except me and the cashiers and cooks working inside. the restaurant was "inspired by asian street food" of which the white husband and wife owners experienced once on a vacation in the 90s. they have been given multiple awards for being the "best of santa cruz."

it's march 2020. i come out of a grocery store in berkeley. a woman starts screaming at me, GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY COUNTRY. YOU PEOPLE ARE INVADING THIS COUNTRY. i try to sooth her because i worry she will pull out a gun. 

i say I'm from the San Gabriel Valley. they ask again, BUT WHERE ARE YOU REALLY FROM.

a friend of a friend, a white woman, is fully dressed as a geisha for halloween.

i go into a World Market. they're selling buddhas. 

i'm watching the a capella movie, Pitch Perfect. there is a single asian female character that is defined by her quiet incomprehensible murmuring and strangeness.

i'm working on a project that sits next to a chinese community. my boss singles me out and says, YOU SHOULD KNOW ALL ABOUT THEM. YOU'RE ORIENTAL. 

it's happening again. everyone in the meeting appears to be white except me.

i'm in graduate school, enrolled in a history course. it's not a european history course. the course covers european history in detail. there is one week dedicated to asian, african, latin american, and 'other' history.

my mom tells me that when she was a regional director for a publicly traded company, she would need to hire young white men out of business school to represent her while negotiating contracts with hospitals. she would prepare the strategy, tell the man what to say, and use them to negotiate contracts with the other white men who wouldn't have taken her seriously.

i'm in redding, ca at the costco. it doesn't feel safe here.

i'm in santa cruz, ca at the costco. it feels safer here. 

it's happening again. a strange man is smiling at me and wants to know where i'm really from.

i'm 15. my english teacher tells me and a group of girls, YOU ASIANS DON'T EVER TALK. YOU'RE QUIET AND MEEK.

i'm at a conference in florida. a white man approaches me and says, YOU LOOK DIFFERENT... the US Forest Service is hiring people like you.

each instance of diminishing. DIMINISHING my existence into a piece and parcel. i am NOT a parcel of a person. my likeness is NOT a costume, a style, a flavor, a commodity, a threat, an excuse for anyone to presume anything about me at their own convenience and my expense. i belong here unquestioned and wholly deserve every possible privilege of safety, respect, and individuality. 

i used to think i had to prove myself, that i was competent enough, assertive enough, hard working enough, articulate enough, educated enough, nice enough, perfect enough, VALUABLE enough to deserve those things. i know now that that's not the case. if power and value is falsely equated with being white enough, man enough, 'american' enough, etc., there is nothing for me to prove. 

regardless, i deserve to make mistakes, misjudge, speak out of turn, and fail fully as an individual with the same dignity, safety and respect afforded to the people who called me CHINK, ORIENTAL, QUIET, MEEK, and told me to GET THE FUCK OUT OF THIS COUNTRY. 

in witnessing the act of diminishing perpetuate again and again, i imagine a time and place where a person can arrive and for the first time in their life feel truly safe, if even for a moment. it's a time and place where living things are allowed to breathe, grow, and sway as they are - weeds, birds, insects, people - unthreatened, undiminished, shrouded in safety. it's really beautiful and for the first time, a person feels, in that moment, at ease. 

5/29/20

white supremacy

history

denial

safety

danger

inheritance

privilege

script

complicity

choice

violence

peace

silence

loss

clarity







4/1/20

compressed air lie flat aim less rest stressed
six feet or more
or under

3/26/20

someday farm

NOTES on a someday farm operation

urban agriculture toolkit

financial
what is the minimum acreage for a financially sustainable production operation?
what is the minimum profit margin required for a sustainable operation?
how to access subsidized or agricultural water utilities and rates?
to what extent can capital investments be offset by grants and tax incentives?
what is a reasonable interest rate for an agricultural loan?
what is a reasonable return on investment to be expected given a 5-yr duration?
how long does it typically take for an operation to become profitable?

marketing
to what extent are added value products necessary v. raw products? typical ratio?
what percentage of time is required to dedicate towards outreach and marketing efforts?
what is an ideal annual csa membership count?
what kinds of contracts are available with bulk buyers?
what does a resilient combination of revenue sources look like?
what types of certifications are worth it/actually pay off?
how sensitive are sales to global economic and market changes?

operations
what kinds of liability insurance are necessary?
what is the minimum capital investment necessary for mechanical operating equipment?
what is the typical recurring annual per acre cost of material inputs?
what is a typical annual per acre cost of utility fees?
what types of inspections are required per code?
what types of special codes and liabilities are applied to operations with animals?




3/19/20

Dial-A-Poem: (641) 793-8122

10/28/19

durable


"There isn't time, so brief is life, for bickerings, apologies, heartburnings, callings to account. There is only time for loving, and but an instant, so to speak, for that."  - Mark Twain


what is
substantive - true - durable
constant - ubiquitous - invisible

10/4/19

practice

ARTICLE Design Activism by Ann Thorpe

If your work isn't shifting the culture, what are you doing?

9/14/19

a blank sheet of paper, 8.5 x 11
folded into a simple paper airplane
and thrown into the air

watch it soar for half a second
in awe
it hits the ground, still

and the next kid gets a blank sheet of paper
folds it into a simple paper airplane
throws it in the air

and again, in perpetuity
one sheet, one flight

7/13/19

from 1966

BOOK America and Americans by John Steinbeck, 1966

"The best a slave-owning community can do is to make resistance seem hopeless. One way of doing this is to brainwash the slave from childhood with the conviction that he is inferior, stupid, weak, and irresponsible. A second method is to catch resistance in the bud and to punish it mercilessly; a third, to break up families and friends so that no possible tribal association can gather or establish itself; and fourth, and perhaps most important, to keep education, with its inevitable questioning and communication, from the slaves at all costs...

At intervals, men or groups, through fear of people or the desire to use them, have tried to change our direction, to arrest our growth... This will happen again and again. The impulses which for a time enforced the Alien and Sedition Laws, which have used fear and illicit emotion to interfere with and put a stop to our continuing revolution, will rise again, and they will serve us in the future as they have in the past to clarify and to strengthen our process."


5/30/19

believing what is beautiful
and the cultivation of that belief
versus
the revelation of science
and expectation of it to mirror a truth

and comparing the work of the two
each with a process, each non-exclusive

if 2+2 is 4, but I'd rather it not be
then what does it matter


5/27/19

to savor

the smell of salt air

and some wind in your hair


5/2/19

what is worth the power of the will
to move the things that have not asked to be







4/15/19

combustible landscapes (real time)

MAPPING Exercises