i'm in my thirties. i go on a walk in santa cruz. a group of white boys yell out, CHINK. 

it's happening again. everyone in the meeting appears to be white except me.

slanty eyes joke.

a man comes up to me and says loudly, NI HAO WHERE ARE YOU FROM. this has happened to me about every few month since I was a kid, and continues to occur during the pandemic.

WHERE ARE YOU FROM.

i'm in a conversation with a client in between meetings. we could talk about anything. they tell me, I LOVE SUSHI. I HAD A GREAT TIME WHEN I WAS IN JAPAN. we could have talked about anything.

i'm in my thirties. a stranger asks, WHERE DO YOU GO TO SCHOOL?

i'm 13. i go on a walk around my middle school after class is out. a truck drives by with two men. one whistles at me and yells out, NI HAO SEXY.

it's happening again. the only people talking at the meeting are white men. everyone else is muted.

my coworker tells me her husband is having trouble finding a job because he's a white man. he's having a really hard time right now because the universities don't want white men. 

i say I'm from Los Angeles. they say, BUT WHERE ARE YOU REALLY FROM.

i'm at a restaurant called Charlie Hong Kong. everyone is white except me and the cashiers and cooks working inside. the restaurant was "inspired by asian street food" of which the white husband and wife owners experienced once on a vacation in the 90s. they have been given multiple awards for being the "best of santa cruz."

it's march 2020. i come out of a grocery store in berkeley. a woman starts screaming at me, GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY COUNTRY. YOU PEOPLE ARE INVADING THIS COUNTRY. i try to sooth her because i worry she will pull out a gun. 

i say I'm from the San Gabriel Valley. they ask again, BUT WHERE ARE YOU REALLY FROM.

a friend of a friend, a white woman, is fully dressed as a geisha for halloween.

i go into a World Market. they're selling buddhas. 

i'm watching the a capella movie, Pitch Perfect. there is a single asian female character that is defined by her quiet incomprehensible murmuring and strangeness.

i'm working on a project that sits next to a chinese community. my boss singles me out and says, YOU SHOULD KNOW ALL ABOUT THEM. YOU'RE ORIENTAL. 

it's happening again. everyone in the meeting appears to be white except me.

i'm in graduate school, enrolled in a history course. it's not a european history course. the course covers european history in detail. there is one week dedicated to asian, african, latin american, and 'other' history.

my mom tells me that when she was a regional director for a publicly traded company, she would need to hire young white men out of business school to represent her while negotiating contracts with hospitals. she would prepare the strategy, tell the man what to say, and use them to negotiate contracts with the other white men who wouldn't have taken her seriously.

i'm in redding, ca at the costco. it doesn't feel safe here.

i'm in santa cruz, ca at the costco. it feels safer here. 

it's happening again. a strange man is smiling at me and wants to know where i'm really from.

i'm 15. my english teacher tells me and a group of girls, YOU ASIANS DON'T EVER TALK. YOU'RE QUIET AND MEEK.

i'm at a conference in florida. a white man approaches me and says, YOU LOOK DIFFERENT... the US Forest Service is hiring people like you.

each instance of diminishing. DIMINISHING my existence into a piece and parcel. i am NOT a parcel of a person. my likeness is NOT a costume, a style, a flavor, a commodity, a threat, an excuse for anyone to presume anything about me at their own convenience and my expense. i belong here unquestioned and wholly deserve every possible privilege of safety, respect, and individuality. 

i used to think i had to prove myself, that i was competent enough, assertive enough, hard working enough, articulate enough, educated enough, nice enough, perfect enough, VALUABLE enough to deserve those things. i know now that that's not the case. if power and value is falsely equated with being white enough, man enough, 'american' enough, etc., there is nothing for me to prove. 

regardless, i deserve to make mistakes, misjudge, speak out of turn, and fail fully as an individual with the same dignity, safety and respect afforded to the people who called me CHINK, ORIENTAL, QUIET, MEEK, and told me to GET THE FUCK OUT OF THIS COUNTRY. 

in witnessing the act of diminishing perpetuate again and again, i imagine a time and place where a person can arrive and for the first time in their life feel truly safe, if even for a moment. it's a time and place where living things are allowed to breathe, grow, and sway as they are - weeds, birds, insects, people - unthreatened, undiminished, shrouded in safety. it's really beautiful and for the first time, a person feels, in that moment, at ease.